There is a particular kind of loneliness that is rarely spoken about. It is not the loneliness of having no-one around you. In fact, it often occurs in the middle of crowded rooms, leadership meetings, strategy days, board conversations and performance reviews. It is the loneliness of being visible, but not really known.

For many men in leadership positions, this kind of loneliness can be especially acute.

We tend to imagine loneliness as a private issue, something that belongs to people who are socially isolated, retired, unemployed, grieving or living alone. But loneliness is not simply the absence of company. It is the felt absence of meaningful connection. And that distinction matters enormously.

In Australia, loneliness is no longer a fringe wellbeing issue. It is increasingly being understood as a serious public health and workplace concern. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare notes that social isolation has been linked to “mental illness, emotional distress, suicide, the development of dementia, premature death and poor health behaviours,” as well as physical effects including high blood pressure and impaired immune function. Ending Loneliness Together’s State of the Nation Report: Social Connection in Australia, 2023 found that almost one in three Australians experience loneliness, with one in six experiencing severe loneliness. This is not a marginal wellbeing issue. It is a social, organisational and leadership issue.

And yet, for many men, loneliness remains wrapped in silence.

Part of the problem is cultural. Many men have been conditioned, often subtly and over many years, to associate competence with self-containment. Don’t complain. Don’t burden others. Keep moving. Be useful. Stay strong. Solve the problem. Provide the answer. Be the one others can rely on. Those qualities can look impressive from the outside. In leadership, they are often rewarded. The calm executive. The decisive manager. The resilient founder. The senior leader who absorbs pressure without visibly flinching. But the same habits that help men rise can also leave them emotionally stranded.

Leadership can intensify this further. The more senior the role, the fewer the safe spaces. A leader may be surrounded by colleagues, direct reports, peers, clients and stakeholders, yet still feel unable to speak openly. They may have many relationships, but very few in which they can be uncertain, disappointed, frightened, overwhelmed or simply human.

This is not about weakness. It is about role architecture.

Leadership changes the nature of relationships. Former peers may become direct reports. Informal conversations become politically loaded. Vulnerability becomes something to manage. The leader learns to edit themselves before speaking. Over time, self-editing can become self-isolation.

Research on leader loneliness is continuing to emerge, and a 2024 review in The Leadership Quarterly noted that leader loneliness has been associated with undesirable team behaviour and inhibited decision making.  That finding is important because it challenges the idea that loneliness is merely a personal discomfort. When leaders are disconnected, the consequences can flow into judgement, presence, trust and culture.

A lonely leader is more likely to second guess themselves in silence. They may become more defensive, more controlling, more avoidant or more emotionally distant. They may rely too heavily on authority because they have lost access to the replenishing effect of genuine connection. They may confuse being needed with being known.

For men, the issue is often sharpened by the way friendships and emotional support are structured. Recent research into male loneliness across life stages found that fewer friendships, lack of close male friendships, insecure work, divorce, living alone and feeling a lack of belonging are all relevant risk factors (Predictors of male loneliness across life stages, 2024).  The workplace can either buffer these risks or compound them.

This is particularly relevant for men in leadership. Work can become the primary source of identity, status, structure and social contact. But work based connection is often conditional. It is connected to performance, usefulness, influence or role. When the role changes, when performance dips, when the title disappears, many men discover that what looked like connection was actually proximity.

There is a quiet sadness in that.

Many men are not lonely because they do not care about relationships. They are lonely because they have not been taught how to maintain relationships that are not built around function. They know how to be helpful, strategic, funny, dependable, competent and strong. They are less practised at saying, “I’m struggling,” “I don’t know what to do,” or “I need someone to talk to who does not need me to have the answer.”

This is where leadership development needs to mature.

We talk a great deal about emotional intelligence, psychological safety, authenticity and vulnerability.  But too often these concepts are taught as tools for leaders to use with others, rather than capacities leaders also need for themselves. We ask leaders to create belonging for their teams while ignoring whether they themselves experience any real sense of belonging.

That is not sustainable.

The epidemic of male loneliness is not solved by telling men to “open up” as if it were that simple. Nor is it solved by another wellbeing webinar, a poster campaign or a once a year men’s health morning tea. It requires a more serious conversation about the social design of leadership. Some questions we need to consider include:

• Who does a male leader speak to when they cannot speak to their team?
• Where can senior men be honest without performing competence?
• How do organisations create peer spaces where leaders can talk about pressure, doubt, identity, failure and fear without that honesty being weaponised?
• How do we help men build friendships and support systems before crisis makes them necessary?
• And perhaps most importantly, how do we redefine strength?

This is because strength is not the absence of need. Strength is the capacity to stay connected while carrying responsibility. It is the willingness to be known, not just respected. It is the courage to stop confusing emotional isolation with professionalism.

Often, for men in leadership, the invitation is not to become less capable. It is to become less alone. That might mean investing deliberately in peer coaching, reflective supervision, mentoring relationships, men’s groups, trusted friendships or professional support. It might mean setting aside time for conversations that have no immediate utility. It might mean asking another man a better question than “How’s work?” and being prepared to answer honestly when the question comes back.

Loneliness thrives in performance. Connection begins in truth!

The leaders we need now are not invulnerable figures standing apart from others. They are mature, grounded human beings who understand that connection is not a distraction from leadership. It is one of its foundations.

For many men, especially men who have spent years being strong for others, this may be the next frontier of leadership: learning that being alone at the top is not a badge of honour.

It is a warning sign.

And it is one we and they should take seriously!

References and further reading

The article draws on research and commentary from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Ending Loneliness Together, the Australian Institute of Family Studies, and recent Australian research on predictors of male loneliness across life stages. Specifically:

Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2025). Social isolation and loneliness. AIHW.

Ending Loneliness Together. (2023). State of the Nation Report: Social Connection in Australia 2023. Ending Loneliness Together.

Botha, F., Morris, R. W., Butterworth, P., & Glozier, N. (2024). Predictors of male loneliness across life stages. BMC Public Health.

The Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2022). Understanding and defining loneliness and social isolation. AIFS.

Footnote: many of these issues are equally prevalent for women in the workplace but this article focuses specifically on the distinct ways isolation, emotional suppression, and leadership expectations tend to manifest for men.